It's the journey, not the destination

I don't know where to begin other than by saying that the last few weeks have been very intense for me with all that is going on. Preparing for various tests, working a lot, snowboarding a lot, and overall just trying to go into things with the same vigor and passion that I put into everything.

That being said, this weekend I took my Level Two Snowboard Certification Exam. It wasn't exactly how I hoped it would be. It was very intense. I think that my EMT certification process was less intense for me and that's the only thing that I can reasonably compare it to. You are judged on every word you say, how you say it, and how it relates to the topic at hand. Your body movements while snowboarding are scrutinized so much that at some points you feel a lot like an amature model must feel when they are showing off their bodies in the hopes that the person looking at you likes what they see. I'm not saying that snowboarding is like modeling, but it most certainly is the farthest thing from it.
However, the testing situation is tense. The people who are testing with you, you're not sure if you're being helped or helping them, or if you are in a state of competition with them. I know that ultimately the goal of the exam is not to make the candidates feel naked, scrutinized, nor in competition, but that's what it felt like for me. I don't think that I have experienced a more emotionally and physically trying weekend in a very, very long time. Needless to say, I did not pass this exam. At the same time though I can't express in words how wonderful it was to go to race league at the hill last night and just drink with my co-workers, who have been so supportive, and to just relax and let all the tension just melt away like the ice on the sidewalks.
I hate failing. I don't typically use that word "hate" becuse it implies loathing and a deeper emotion than plain old "dislike". But I truely do hate failing because it just makes you doubt yourself in ways that you should never have to do. I know it's a very humbling experience and humbling oneself is always a good idea. However failing at something, at least for me implies that I lack the necessary skill to achieve and to progress at whatever I am attempting to accomplish. I know that I cannot be fantastic at everything and also that many directions that are worth taking are not going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination.
So, the journey on this path has come to a temporary road block that I will need to re-trace my steps back to the beginning and start over. Completely over so that I can get back on the right road to reach my desired destination. That doesn't mean that the lessons learned nor the people I met on this journey were not worth the meeting or the learning. I just know that the other paths and journeys that I take to reach the destination will come with even more in the future.