The Space Between

Waiting. No one likes it. Yet, we all seem to do more of it than we would care to admit. I have been trying to be patient with trying to figure out what's coming my way in the next few months. I am feeling antsy and very, very tired of waiting. I know that most people would tell me, "Oh, you'll be fine. You just have senioritis."

Ok, so I know after a semester of EMT training and 9 days of Wilderness First Responder certification doesn't make me a doctor or anything. However, I'm fairly confident that senioritis isn't a disease that can be diagnosed. I know that people are just trying to be helpful, but honestly, it really isn't making me feel that much more patient. In fact, it will make me feel just the exact opposite of patient.

*Sigh* I feel like it has just been a really long month of March and I just want to be done with it and I really, really want a day to myself or to just relax and hang out with friends or something! I think that I need to get out and go camping or something. This is not senioritis because it doesn't exsist. What I do have is a mild case of cabin fever which is in fact a medical/psychological condition.

Spring break was busy with the WFR course and all. It was fun, but a lot of work. It brought to mind a lot of things that I had put on hold that were-and still are-really important to me. A lot of goals that I realize that I still do want to pursue. Like getting my EMT. I think that I want to pursue that in a wilderness medical kind of situation. I'd love to be on ski patrol, but I'm not sure if they take snowboarders. So, I may have to re-learn how to ski again and perhaps spend some money to purchase my own equipment. Blah! I don't like the thought of that. Ski equipment is way more expensive than snowboard equipment.

Anyway, this is just a early evening rant of frustration about not knowing what's going on in the future and not being able to do anything other than wait for it to find me at this point. If only things were as black and white as my pictures...

Goodnight.

Laura

The sounds of silence

I played hookie from classes this past Tuesday. Before you say it, I only had one class at 2 pm and the professor teaches verbadum from the book. So, I got to sleep in instead of my usual 6 am pre-light wake up morning and boy it felt good. Daylight savings time really messes with your circadium rhythms! Anyway, I drove up to Two Harbors and gave the folks at Granite Gear back some stuff that they had sent down to sell at the gear swap last weekend. It was really nice to see them again. I know if I ever have an opportunity, I will work for them again.

After that, I went up to Gooseberry Falls State Park for a hike, some birding (for class), and to take some pictures. It was 40 degrees, sunny with a few clouds in the sky, and the sky as blue as the back of a mountain bluebird. Needless to say, I couldn't have picked a better day to play hookie. There were a few other people around, but otherwise the air was full of the sounds of chickadees, nuthatches, and little red pine squirrels marking out their territory and of course guarding it viggorously with chattering galore. I don't have a lot of fondness for this little critters because they are simply one of the most obnoctious critters that I have had contact with. They never are quiet!

That's when I noticed the quietness. If you know where Gooseberry is located, you'll know that hwy 61 runs right over the falls and the river. I can't express my disappointment and slight anger that my beautiful and quiet place kept getting sliced through by various semis and other vehicles plowing over that bridge. It was being slapped in the back of the head every time one drove by. It was a horrible addition to an otherwise perfect day.

I tried to get as far and deep into the woods so that I wouldn't be able to hear the roar anymore, but it was always there. It also got me to thinking about silence. Humans generally can't stand quiet. Most anyway. I mean, what on earth is so wrong with silence? Do we have to keep moving and keep making noise to prove that we exsist or something? The though is ludicrous! And yet, there I stood in a beautiful natural area straining to hear the roar of the waterfalls under the ice over the roar of cars.

It also made me wonder if there are any such quiet places left in this world? With high flying jets, planes, cars, snowmobiles, etc. going through large areas of quiet and wilderness, is it truely and timelessly quiet in those areas anymore? My fear is the answer is no.

The human race fights for many things; resources, basic rights, religion, against wars, for wars. But, we are not fighting for something that many of us don't realize has been stolen from us. We don't fight for the natural silences that are the essence of life. Those silences are not the abnormal quiets we think them to be, but the essence of our understanding of time and place. So, I beg you know if you are reading this, go find some silence. If you, like me find that you are unable to find true silence, speak out against the noise!

It's the journey, not the destination

I don't know where to begin other than by saying that the last few weeks have been very intense for me with all that is going on. Preparing for various tests, working a lot, snowboarding a lot, and overall just trying to go into things with the same vigor and passion that I put into everything.

That being said, this weekend I took my Level Two Snowboard Certification Exam. It wasn't exactly how I hoped it would be. It was very intense. I think that my EMT certification process was less intense for me and that's the only thing that I can reasonably compare it to. You are judged on every word you say, how you say it, and how it relates to the topic at hand. Your body movements while snowboarding are scrutinized so much that at some points you feel a lot like an amature model must feel when they are showing off their bodies in the hopes that the person looking at you likes what they see. I'm not saying that snowboarding is like modeling, but it most certainly is the farthest thing from it.
However, the testing situation is tense. The people who are testing with you, you're not sure if you're being helped or helping them, or if you are in a state of competition with them. I know that ultimately the goal of the exam is not to make the candidates feel naked, scrutinized, nor in competition, but that's what it felt like for me. I don't think that I have experienced a more emotionally and physically trying weekend in a very, very long time. Needless to say, I did not pass this exam. At the same time though I can't express in words how wonderful it was to go to race league at the hill last night and just drink with my co-workers, who have been so supportive, and to just relax and let all the tension just melt away like the ice on the sidewalks.
I hate failing. I don't typically use that word "hate" becuse it implies loathing and a deeper emotion than plain old "dislike". But I truely do hate failing because it just makes you doubt yourself in ways that you should never have to do. I know it's a very humbling experience and humbling oneself is always a good idea. However failing at something, at least for me implies that I lack the necessary skill to achieve and to progress at whatever I am attempting to accomplish. I know that I cannot be fantastic at everything and also that many directions that are worth taking are not going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination.
So, the journey on this path has come to a temporary road block that I will need to re-trace my steps back to the beginning and start over. Completely over so that I can get back on the right road to reach my desired destination. That doesn't mean that the lessons learned nor the people I met on this journey were not worth the meeting or the learning. I just know that the other paths and journeys that I take to reach the destination will come with even more in the future.